


Cave Systems and Fire Lizards

by TheGoodDoctor



Series: Group Targets [25]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: I know literally nothing about d&d tho, M/M, dungeons and dragons inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-26 23:58:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8379526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoodDoctor/pseuds/TheGoodDoctor
Summary: "Q, do you mind if I flirt with this dragon?”Q blinks. He waves a hand in a signal which somehow suggests ‘I wish asking to bring a giant lizard into our relationship was the weirdest thing you've ever said to me, and on those grounds do whatever you want’ before returning to the trap he's building.





	

The ranger stands from where he had been crouching. “It's this way,” he says, tugging the rogue along behind him and striding away without waiting for the others.

The wizard rolls her eyes and jogs to catch up, flicking flames between her fingers idly. The Paladin looks to heaven for patience before ushering the cleric along ahead of him. “This looks like the same corridor as before,” he says patiently.

The ranger sends him a glare. “It's this way,” he repeats.

The rogue stops before a seemingly-plain segment of wall. “In here?” he says quietly to the ranger, who nods. He begins to knead the wall with his palms until there's a click and the entire wall sinks slowly into the floor.

“Thanks, Q,” the cleric says, smiling blandly. He gets a glare from the rogue for his efforts and he shrugs. “I try.”

The wizard pats his shoulder, barely suppressing a grin. “Maybe next time, Bill.”

Inside the new room is nothing but empty walls. “Nice,” the Paladin says solemnly.

The ranger glares at him. “Aren't you supposed to be Lawful Good? Not Sarcastic Arsehole.”

The cleric ducks his head, shielding his grin by rubbing the back of his neck.

Suddenly an enormous black dragon bursts from the floor, roaring and shooting a white-hot blast of fire towards the scattered party. “Are you happy now?” the wizard screams, running to flank the dragon on its left as Bill mimics her on the dragon's other side.

Q drops to his knees, spreading his equipment on the floor next to a trap on the floor. “What's the plan, Gareth?”

The Paladin folds his arms. “Well, if Eve and Bill flank it, James and I could-”

“Wait,” James holds up a hand. “I choose to flirt with the dragon.”

There is a pause. Even the dragon is silent as they absorb the ranger’s choice.

“I'm sorry, I must have misheard you,” Bill manages.

“You want to - really? Okay. Sure.” Eve throws up her hands, sending a small zap of lightning absently off to ground on the torch bracket behind her.

James grins, rolling his eyes as if he's forgotten something. “Oh, yeah. Q, do you mind if I flirt with this dragon?”

Q blinks. He waves a hand in a signal which somehow suggests ‘I wish asking to bring a giant lizard into our relationship was the weirdest thing you've ever said to me, and on those grounds do whatever you want’ before returning to the trap he's building.

“Okay,” James says, nodding and turning back to the beast. “I'm ready. Hey, how you doing?” he says as seductively as one can when talking to a murderous dragon, whilst seconds from firey death.

The dragon blinks. The party holds its breath.

“...it worked,” Bill says slowly. “The dragon...doesn't want to attack us anymore. Anyone else feel like this has created more problems than it's solved?”

The dragon flutters its eyelashes at James. “Who knew they had eyelashes?” Eve says quietly.

Gareth frowns. “They don't.” The dragon collects James up in one scaly paw, cooing gently at him.

Q sighs. “Don't break the fourth wall, Gareth. James, extricate yourself from the jumped-up lizard and let's go.”

The dragon breathes hot air straight at the rogue and he yells in pain. Bill looks up as if in search of guidance and sighs. “Why am I constantly surrounded by idiots?”

“Bill!” Q calls. “You're the only healer!”

He holds his arms out. “And whose fault is that?” Bill stomps back towards the rogue, glaring so fiercely at the dragon as he does that it looks ashamed for considering an attack. He heals Q, all the while grumbling about doing so, and the bolt of magic takes the dragon entirely by surprise.

It roars in pain, drops James and spins to face Eve. She clutches her staff a little tighter and adjusts her stance slightly. Gareth swings his two-handed broadsword and the dragon roars again as it slices through the thick scales. James hauls Q up and presses a kiss to his forehead before they both join the fight.

Bill watches from the sidelines as James and Gareth wield their huge swords skilfully, bolts of arcane magic from Eve hitting just the right spot from afar. Q ducks and rolls, stabbing the soft underbelly of the dragon where it doesn't expect him and cannot protect itself. Bill pulls his divine magic into himself and pushes it out again in a wave, smacking the dragon in the head and toppling it with simultaneous shots from the others. He stumbles with the dragon, tired from the spell, and Gareth slings an arm under his shoulders to support him.

“I'm okay,” he says, getting his feet back under him. “Everyone else?”

“Fine,” Eve says as she scales the dragon's bulk and slides down its side to join the party again.

Q nods and Gareth pats his shoulder. “Okay here.”

“I miss my lady love,” James says distantly, lying behind the dragon’s tail.

Q rolls his eyes. “What am I, nothing?”

“Well, obviously I don't miss you,” James says. “You’re fine.”

“Cheers,” the rogue says, hiding a smile.

“Nothing will compare to her scaly hide,” James laments.

“Was she even a girl dragon?” Gareth asks.

James’ hand appears over the tail to wave the question away. “Didn't have time to ask. Oh, dragon, you shall long be missed by us all-”

“-though we brutally murdered you-” Bill adds.

“-but we know you would have done the same for us,” Eve finishes, giggling.

“We never did get that interspecies threesome, but I know it would have been hot,” Q says, pressing a hand to his chest.

“Ewww,” Bill giggles. “Nasty.”

“Seriously, though; James, are you injured?” Gareth says sensibly.

James appears to consider this. “Oh, no; I definitely got hit by one of Eve’s stray spells. It looks quite bad.”

Bill and Q make eye contact and sigh simultaneously.


End file.
